Happenings: Sasquatch: Real, Naked, or Both?

I heart Georgia, and I heart it all the more since two of its finest backwoodsmen, Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton, provided us with the first definitive proof of the existence of Bigfoot (cf. Sasquatch, Yeti). There will be a press conference at some point today where they plan to unveil physical and genetic evidence that the creature pictured below is, indeed, Bigfoot[1].

O hai bigfoot! Wear r ur footz n e waiz?

Adding a new species of mega-primate to the North American fauna is fine and good and all, but the real reason this story is so important is that it reminds YOU that YOU should be reading John Boston’s Naked Came the Sasquatch. Recall that it’s the first selection for the I Heart SCV Book Club, which currently boasts one member[2].

For those wishing to read the book, which has an almost suspiciously stellar set of 27 reviews on Amazon[3], refer to this earlier post. Happy reading!

[1]CNN is actually following the story--f'reals, y'all!
[2]While the book club projects 0% growth in membership through 2009, it also anticipates 100% member retention.
[3]Several reviewers call it the best book they've ever read...

Happenings: The Vote that G&L Bought

KHTS[1] and The Signal[2] revealed that G&L Realty—the group that stands to profit from the Henry Mayo expansion--essentially gave Laurie Ender a $29.5K campaign contribution. To be more precise, G&L gave $30K to the “Citizens for Integrity in Government Committee” which then spent the money on mailers to get Ender elected.

I’m thinking “Citizens for Integrity in Government” might want to change their name to something more accurate, say “Political Action Committee For Real Estate Companies that Want to Buy Seats on City Council." It's too bad that name isn't as inspirational as the original. One would think that a group claiming to represent “Citizens for Integrity” would have a website to discuss its work or solicit donations from integrity-loving Claritans, but apparently not. In any case, we've known about C.F.I.I.G. for a while--it's the fact that they were passing on money from G&L that's news.

As is clear from the photo above, I don't do Photoshop.

It is obvious how all of this will play out for Ender. She’ll say something to the effect that, as a mother and someone concerned about the health and welfare of Santa Claritans, she has always been in favor of expanding the Henry Mayo campus. Her commitment to this position attracted funders with the same goal: more medical office buildings. It's just logical, right?

Still, no one is going to take any arguments that Laurie Ender makes during deliberation seriously. As G&L’s go-to-gal, she will be verbally skewered. Speeches will be prefaced with “We know that a successful real estate company took a $30,000 bet on how you would vote, Councilmember Ender, and they’re not in the business of losing.”

Approval of the Henry Mayo Master Plan is and has been a foregone conclusion. I do wonder, though, if Ferry-Ender Enterprises is going to bother with the charade of discussing the Master Plan or just move to get things approved right away. Maybe Ender will make some tough demands for show, like gardenias in the healing garden and more lunch options at the Inpatient Building that "may" be built. Or maybe she’ll just sit in the quiet embarrassment. Sure, all candidates get money from groups hoping for favorable votes in return, but this is a particularly unpalatable example.

I’m sorry I can’t summon up some satiric or humorous way to discuss this; I’m just annoyed. $30K—a paltry sum for G&L, to be sure—can buy the mailers that get a few hundred extra votes needed to get a pro-expansion candidate the needed seat. But if you've got the money and stomach for it, what's not to heart?

[1]KHTS story
[2]The Signal story

Happenings: I Scream, You Scream...(Henry Mayo & Ice Cream)

If you'd like some background on the plan to cram too many buildings into too little space for the benefit of G & L Realty, just type "HMNMH" in the search box--I've written lots.

Ice cream given out by a hospital? Delicious irony! Of course, the real irony is that Roger Seaver is using the quintessentially small-town “ice cream social” to win favor for a hospital expansion that’s anything but. Indeed, stop by Henry Mayo on Saturday, August 9th from 2-4 to get re-introduced to the same old mega-expansion ideas…but this time with ICE CREAM.

Perhaps Roger Seaver and Andie Bogdan (HMNMH Director of Planning, Marketing, & Public Relations) are hoping for a reaction like this:

Eddie Murphy, Delirious, circa 1983

Then again, maybe things will play thusly:

RESIDENT: I heard you guys are giving out ice cream?
SEAVER: [brandishing frozen confection] We sure are! But first, I have a question for you.
RESIDENT: [quizzically] OK…
SEAVER: [sing-songy] What would you do for a Klondike bar?
RESIDENT: Uh, seriously?
SEAVER: Would you let me build some office buildings and parking structures?
RESIDENT: Yeah. OK. [takes bar]
CHORUS: For that chocolaty coated, ice-cream loaded, big and thick, no room for a stick, what would you do-o-o… [motions for cement truck to come in]

The folks at HMNMH aren't counting on the ice cream social alone, though, to earn the approval of the community. There's also a brand new website[1] crafted to extol the virtues of a plan to expand the Henry Mayo campus.

The welcome page is absurd. Some designer had the brilliant notion of shoving an enormous face directly in our faces–literally a third of the web page is devoted to facial real estate. The comely giantess to whom the over-sized visage belongs is Charanjet Saroa, M.D., and she tells us that "Supporting this master plan will help ensure more services in a quality oriented, first class environment."[2]

The comely giantess.

After the introduction, there are five more important pages to explore!

1. "Interactive Map"

The interactivity consists of having text bubbles appear when you hover the mouse over various parts of the master plan. It looks almost identical to the last incarnation of the hospital plan we saw. I've laid out three selections below, the most recent on the right.

[sing-songy, again] All of these things are just like the others...

My favorite part is how they dealt with Parking Structure 4. This is the lot that would require the felling of our Community Holiday Tree, a conifer with whom I've conducted several interviews on the topic of hospital expansion. The sneaky artist barely outlined where lot 4 would go so you think it's been removed from the plan. But hover your mouse over the hatch-mark outline and they begrudgingly offer the truth: "If needed, this is the last parking improvement in the 15-year plan, with two subterranean levels and one on the surface. 316 spaces. This preserves the traditional 'community tree.'"

I am unappeased. The tree needs to stay, or I may just have to phone John Quigley.

2. "Environmental Impact"

Directs one here.


3. "FAQ"

This was actually fairer than I expected. There were no questions like “Why does the cruel David Gauny want to keep sick little children from getting treated in nice, clean new medical office buildings?” or “Which will be more beautiful and beloved by the community: the luxuriant, expansive healing-garden-with-bench or the alluringly boxy office buildings?”. Rather, they posed and answered some questions that I have no doubt are frequently asked.

There is still evasion, though. The site says that the medical staff has formally supported the expansion, but we know of several prominent dissenters (e.g., Dr. Gene Dorio). Happily, one knows that spin is about to happen after reading the words "in fact." Case-in-point:

"Will that cause the removal of some trees?
Unfortunately, yes. But we will then be adding trees throughout the new campus, which will actually result in a net gain of trees. The entire campus, in fact, is being designed to not only meet all required environmental impact studies but to balance our need for growth with neighborhood quality of life issues such as noise, traffic and lighting..."

Yes, this project is nothing if not "balanced."

I also found this question/response rather amusing:

"Won't the enlarged campus mean additional traffic on McBean Parkway?
McBean Parkway is a major street connecting the freeway with local houses, the mall, the hospital and other businesses. As a result, traffic on McBean will likely continue to increase as our community grows regardless of what happens with the hospital..."

4. "Top 10 Reasons"

This page offers more of the same sales pitch, David Letterman style. One wonders how sincere they are about reason #1:

"The overwhelming majority of community leaders along with the medical staff of the hospital itself supports this project because they know that it is good for the community and will enhance both quality and accessibility of care."

5. "How to Support Us"

Here, the now Master-Plan-lovin' Claritan is instructed on how to give the appearance of support for the Master Plan. The tactics advocated are certainly on track--write The Signal, speak before the City Council, email Kellar et al... Remember that these avenues may also be used to oppose the project.

Thoroughly Unbiased Summary:
The Master Plan map flaunts a sequencing of improvements. For example, Medical Office Building 3 could not be occupied until construction on the new Inpatient Building has begun. We've been here before.

Being presented the same plan is tiresome.

I think we need an alternate event on August 9th. Instead of an ice cream social, let's have a tour. We could begin by asking everyone parked in HMNMH to drive on McBean at once to simulate increased traffic; Seaver could then hack down one of the dozens of stately sycamores that will have to make way for parking; next we'd walk to one of the houses just across the street and visualize what a few million more cubic-feet of concrete will look like. Last, we could leave imagining how such an over-built campus would change the feel of this part of Valencia forever.

One frightfully simple solution remains: get serious about building a second hospital in SCV.

[1]Start your exploration here
[2]Methinks they're missing a hyphen or two.

Happenings: Duff, Chase et al. in SCV

I know I ought to get around to writing something political, but I can’t quite stomach delving into the to-grow-or-not-to-grow/to-urbanize-or-not-to-urbanize debate just now.

Besides, there are more important things to worry about: celebrities in SCV. We have the following actors coming to film some scenes at a local school:

~Hillary Duff (20 y.o. singer, actress, idol for good girls who their like starlets squeaky clean rather than in rehab)
~Chevy Chase (64 y.o. host/comedian/comic actor who I thought had retired)
~Josh Holloway (Kind of star of Lost, which is the undisputed greatest show on television; does best delivering short lines like “Hello”)
~Sean Astin (The lesser hobbit from The Lord of the Rings who has had several not-so-visible projects since)
~Winona Ryder (2-time Oscar nominee and recovered shop-lifter; local store owners, be sure to pat her down if she tries to sneak out of your shop with pilfered merch)

I know, it looks like a list that should be preceded by the instructions “Arrange the following B-List celebrities from most relevant to least.” (It would go H.D., W.R., J.H., C.C., S.A., right? And I guess some of these people might verge on B+…but I digress)

Well, all of them are in Santa Clarita filming the new comedy Stay Cool. According to its still developing page on IMDB[1], the film will be about an author who goes home to deliver a graduation speech and meet up with the girl he left behind. Stop yawning! They're filming a school whose name I withhold in deference to my alma mater, Valencia. Incidentally, I think V.H.S. is still ahead of all other local learning institutions in terms of movie credits with Pleasantville, Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, and BioDome.

Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for these famous folks as you go about your business in SCV. I will pay $1.04 for any photos of them in front of Claritan landmarks.

[1]IMDB page

Only in SCV: BOOK CLUB ANNOUNCEMENT

Russian critic Vissarion Belinsky said of his country “We have no literature,” but he still managed to find stuff to read[1]. A similar approach is required for Santa Clarita. While we may lack a literature somewhat more profoundly than 19thC Russia, there has most certainly been stuff written about SCV and stuff written by people who live in SCV. And by my reckoning, the time to read all that stuff is now. We need the I Heart SCV Book Club.

It is with some trepidation that I propose a book club. The institution is widely caricatured as an excuse for (peri)menopausal women to gather, guzzle wine, and spew gossip. Then there are the unfortunate associations of book clubs with Oprah. This book club, however, will be different. You may join whether or not you have the anatomical prerequisites for menopause and/or are experiencing it. And we will not be bound to the books deemed readable by O. Winfrey.

Furthermore, I don’t think we’ll be meeting in person since I presume I am the only one who will actually be reading the literature. I guess that makes the exercise more of a book report than a book club...but I’ll be delighted if I’m proved wrong and some other Claritans actually join in the fun. Most likely, I will post my take on the book and people can comment, but this “synthesis/discussion” part will remain flexible.

Finally, rather than Freudian readings or Neo-post-deconstructionalist readings or whatever those crazy English kids are doing with their books nowadays, our books will be read with an eye out for Clarita’s soul. If the book is by a Claritan author, for example, we will pay attention to how life in SCV has shaped that author's work.

SUMMER SELECTION
We begin with John Boston’s[3] Naked Came the Sasquatch. Read the first chapter by clicking here.

It may be purchased in “web novel” format for a mere $2.99[3] or as a more traditional set of printed pages if you do a bit of searching online.

Planned “discussion” is for September 6, 2008.


Future books will include William S. Hart’s My Life East and West, John Boston’s other books, Gail Ortiz and Diana Sevanian’s (and various contributing authors') The City of Santa Clarita: Celebrating Twenty Years of Success, The Santa Clarita Food Pantry Cookbook (no, really--OK, probably not), Jerry Reynolds’ Santa Clarita, Valley of the Golden Dream, and Grace Norwich’s Ashley Tisdale: Life is Sweet!, An Unauthorized Biography (no, really…and I won't back down on this one—she’s our most famous former resident and inquiring minds want to know how time in Valencia made her who she is today). If you have further suggestions, please let me know.

Happy reading!

[1]At least in Tom Stoppard’s The Coast of Utopia, which I read for a real life book club I’m in.
[2]SCV's own best known, most awarded author, should you not have known. His website is the Boston Report.
[3]Click on the link in footnote No. 2 and you'll see opportunities to buy.

Only in SCV: insideSCV Writings

I done gone and wrote some stuff about Santa Clarita.

My July inside SCV article may be read by clicking Putting the $ Back in $CV.

And my August article may be read by clicking Barbecuing Our Way to a Better SCV.

Both are worth reading not only because of my dazzling prose but because of two delightful notes-from-the-editor (I heart the editors, by the way, for letting me write what I do). That's all.

Happenings: Mixed Signals (Interview with a Goose)

This ground-breaking interview has been a long time coming. I conducted the interview two weeks ago (when some youths were installing the gold B-R-I-D-G-E-P-O-R-T letters in front of the newer, lesser lake) but didn't get around to putting it up because I couldn't find my camera USB cord. Then I found it and got busy working on other things... Thus, it is now that I present to you the no-longer hot but still immensely important story of the geese at the corner of McBean and Newhall Ranch. To refresh your memory, these are the birds that cross(ed) the street much to the horror of animal lovers (and people in a hurry) as they move(d) from one attractive water feature to the other. Their other function was as a litmus test for writers. Those who fell into the trap of calling them "Canadian Geese" versus the correct "Canada Geese" were exposed as bird frauds, tarred and feathered, and paraded through the streets of Valencia.

In any case, I now present to you my interview with Grunhilda the Goose.

Grunhilda, interviewee (left), and one of her children eating the newly planted geraniums, one of the perks of the north pond (right).

Hello, Grunhilda.

[honks]

Tell me how it is you came to raise a family in Bridgeport.

Well, Harold—that’s my husband—and I thought it looked like a safe place to live. Our kids can easily get away from dogs, cats, and ravenous children by fleeing to the water while we honk emphatically and posture menacingly at said dogs, cats, and ravenous children. Since our diet is primarily grass, we have plenty to eat.

Did the lighthouse play any part in the decision?

How do you mean?

Well, you said Bridgeport looked like a safe place to live. The traditional function of a lighthouse, like the ersatz lighthouse on the corner or McBean and Newhall Ranch, is to keep ships from crashing into reefs and rocks. The lighthouse might well be interpreted as a symbol of safety.

But there are neither reefs nor rocks in Bridgeport.

True. The lighthouse in Bridgeport is there more to evoke a sense of maritime romanticism than operate in a legitimate protective capacity.

I see. Hmmm…I’m afraid the lighthouse played no role in our decision whatsoever. I’m rather preoccupied with stuffing my face full of food, breeding vigorously, and evading predators. That gives me precious little time to contemplate lighthouses.

We did, however, decide to cross the street to get a better look at the bird sculpture. You know, the one that looks like a hundred gulls all glimpsed a new-age Medusa at once, instantly petrifying into metallic-composite, abstracted versions of themselves.

Yes, I know the sculpture. What did you think of it upon closer inspection?

I rather liked it. It’s much nicer to look at than those decoys that hunters put out, which represented the only other art I’ve seen prior to the Medusa birds.

Tell me, when crossing the street from one pond to the other, what were you thinking?

I thought I was hungry and there was more grass on the other side of the street.

Why not wait for the right-of-way before crossing the very busy road? If you and your family moved when the little white man light was shining, there’d be know trouble with motorists.

I see your point. Unfortunately, attaching meaning to a light remains frustratingly beyond my mental grasp.

But that's interesting with the lighthouse and lake and walking man and bird sculpture all suggesting safety when, really, it's a very bad idea to live next to a road. It’s something of a case of mixed signals, then, isn’t it? Well, I suppose it would have been if geese were able to interpret symbols. Perhaps you should entitle this piece "Mixed Signals"--kind of catchy. Makes me a sympathetic victim of poor human-bird communication.

[Nods at suggestion, jots it down]. Weren’t you scared crossing the street?

Not so much. I’m quite good at flying, and was a car to get too close, I would have flown.

But what about your children?

Yes, they were incapable of flight for the first two months or so of life. That’s typical of my species. But I’ve been rather expecting some of them to die anyways. Don’t get me wrong; Harold and I protect the goslings all we can. Still, we’re realists. Some of them are going to die. We haven’t even bothered naming them yet because of that assumption…does that make me a bad mother?

A bit, yes.

Oh dear. I don't think I was prepared to hear that. [honks resignedly]

Well, apart from causing traffic nightmares, how do you feel about raising kids, or goslings, in Santa Clarita? Do you think you fit in?

We do have seven offspring, which definitely makes me identify with certain religious and ethnic groups that are well-represented in this valley.

Care to be more explicit about these particularly fruitful groups?

I may cross roads with speeding vehicles, but I’m not that foolish.

Alright then. Is there anything else you’d like to say before ending this interview?

Yes. I mean no…it’s getting to be near nine and I can see Project Runway if I sit at a particular angle next to a particular lakeside house. I must be off. [waddles away]