Only in SCV: [BLANK] in the River

I know. The annual Santa Clara River Rally was three weeks ago. I haven’t yet had time to blog about it (or anything else, for that matter) for several reasons, none of which would be of any particular interest to you. Still, I think the river needs to be discussed. Thus, here are notes on the mighty Santa Clara presented somewhat late. As repayment for my tardiness, I offer you a theme: [BLANK] in the river.

But before getting to what [BLANK] is, let me set the scene: the River Rally comprised mostly high school students doing community service for class requirements or to put on college applications. There were also the obligatory scout troops and a fair sprinkling of local crazies. Once you arrived, you signed a waiver (something like “by signing this sheet, I agree not to sue the City and transfer ownership of my undying soul to Mr. Ken Pulskamp”). For your trouble, you got a bright green wrist band. Next, you were supposed to go to some inane “Biology Training” where they told you not to pick up snakes, eat the wildlife, or needlessly trample endangered species. I skipped that part. Finally, you were given gloves and a big trash bag and told to clean the river to your heart’s content.

No, your eyes do not deceive you. There were a lot (>1000) of Claritans at the clean-up, many of them young and with far better ways to spend their Saturday morning. What drove them to clean? Most likely, they recognized that volunteering gives a boost to college apps and improves their odds of one day escaping Santa Clarita.

.

After picking up trash and dumping it at a designated spot, you were handsomely rewarded with swag. You got quite a lot of free stuff in the tent set up for local groups and businesses, among it compact fluorescent lights, a blue reusable grocery bag, vast quantities of pens and pencils, a thing that made noise and blew bubbles, earth-shaped stress balls, and bananas.

Now that you have the background on what you could have experienced if you actually showed up to the River Rally, it’s time for you and me to move onto the [BLANK] of [BLANK] in the River.

1. Shit in the River
And I do mean shit in its most literal form. There are people living in the Santa Clara River (see Item #2), and people, with rare exception, defecate. This led to an abundance of used toilet paper in parts of the river bed.

A friend and I got to the River Rally early, and we were part of the advance guard moving north through the wash. I started picking up pieces of white, linty paper when my friend yelled “That’s used toilet paper!” Unfortunately, I hadn’t noticed the used part before picking it up.

Now the good news was that I was wearing gloves. The bad news is they were basically loosely-woven garden gloves, not exactly ideal for handling…y’know.

Other cleaners also went on to encounter the discarded toilet paper. Two high school girls showed remarkable ingenuity when confronted with this challenge. Like in a documentary about primitive man, they improvised tools from sticks, spearing the toilet paper with a sharp branch before putting it in the trash bag. I was duly impressed.

I don’t think the shit in the river problem warrants latex gloves for all cleaners next year, but maybe a shit brigade could see that the little kids don’t accidentally stumble across a pile of used toilet paper.

2. People in the River
At the risk of redundancy, POTRs—People/Persons Of The River—are a regular feature of the Santa Clara riverbed. Theirs is a seasonal lifestyle with winter floods and river clean-ups forcing them to temporarily live elsewhere.

One POTR residence, beneath a cottonwood tree, stood directly in the path of the clean-up. It was clear this was no beer drinking venue for teens; it was a home. There were big, multi-gallon water containers sitting in the shade. There was a relatively clean mattress, a table with chair, tarps to block afternoon sun, and even a little stuffed teddy bear. The number of discarded food wrappers and personal items suggested they’d been there for a while. I lingered in front of the tree sheltering these living quarters, curious to how people would react.

POTR residence.

One mom with a group of kids simply steered her helpers away from the tree, saying other people would take care of it. A high school student wandered through the site and wordlessly examined all of the possessions. Most people respected the fact that this was somebody’s stuff--probably all they had--and didn’t treat it like trash.

When I returned to see what had happened a bit later, however, I found the whole area cleared. The simplest explanation is that a group of cleaners after us had decided to demolish the little home under a tree. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Sure, the POTRs didn’t own the land and they were leaving a lot of trash, but it felt like one was violating some deep, unspoken law of personal property after even walking into the encampment. I suppose the eviction was inevitable, though. If it hadn’t been the cleaners, it would be the rains. That's life for POTRs.

3. Arundo in the River

I want to close with what I think is excellent news.

There’s a plant called Arundo donax—“Giant Reed” (the reed used in wood wind instruments). I hear most people call it bamboo, which is close enough. In any case, Arundo (uh-RUN-doe) is native to the Mediterranean. Some years ago, it was introduced to California and invaded rivers and washes mercilessly. Bits of the plant break off in floods and reroot elsewhere, helping it spread. It is well established in many parts of the Santa Clara.

The downsides of Arundo are many:
1. It’s very flammable.
2. It breaks easily in winter floods and can clog the infrastructure that helps channel flood waters away from homes.
3. It is inedible to most local insects. By supporting fewer insects, there is less food for local lizards, birds, and other insectivores.
4. Non-native Arundo can smother native willows and herbaceous riparian plants, leading to less biodiversity in our rivers.

It’s also creepily hard to kill. I cut a few canes of it to use as supports for my green bean vines. I cut the Arundo canes off at the base, which would have killed most plants, and I set them in direct, 95-degree sunlight for two days. I then plopped the canes in the ground for the beans to twine up. Within a matter of weeks, the Arundo canes had rooted and were producing new leaves. I was justifiably freaked out by the plant that wouldn’t die.

Clearly, to remove Arundo, you need a devoted team of specialists. At September's City Council meeting, the Council approved a measure to do just that and have Arundo in the Santa Clara removed. It will be good for the environment and, better yet, grants are paying for it. So way to go, SCV, for letting people do good, positive work for free. But motives and investment aside, the Santa Clara River will be the better for Arundo removal, just as it stands better for removal of all that trash.

Here I'd make a joke about trash and Santa Clarita, but where's the sport in that?

Only in SCV: I Demand a PoFest

Behold! Tokens of Pofests past.

I have an inordinate number of shirts that say “Cowboy Poetry and Music Festival.” More inordinately yet, most of these have the word “Volunteer” emblazoned across the back. Not so many years ago, I wore these shirts to my favorite event in all of SantaClaritadom. Indeed, I was something of a perennial food runner/information table talker/quasi-volunteer. Sure, some of this volunteering was done for honorable reasons (i.e., to give the appearance that I was fervently devoted to serving my community on college applications), but ultimately I just wanted to hang out at PoFest[1].

When I type “Cowboy Festival[2]”—as the event is now disgracefully called—it takes a considerable amount of self-control to not stick the word “Poetry” in the middle. For most of my formative years, the celebration of cowboy art, music, culture, and poetry was always referred to as the Cowboy Poetry and Music Festival, or Cowboy PoFest. To this day, I still call it PoFest despite the fact that organizers saw fit to remove the offending “poetry” from the event’s official name. Why should we be afraid to proclaim the fact that not only does Santa Clarita have cowboys, it has ones that recite verse?

In defiance of name changes, however, the festival has remained largely unchanged through the years. Early every spring, Santa Claritans descend on Melody Ranch to soak up cowboy culture. To some, this means a weekend of grown-up dress-up: chaps are added to jeans, spurs are added to boots, and swaggers are added to steps. All cowboy clichés are adopted with giddy enthusiasm[3]. To others, the event is a chance to listen to western musicians or poets perform their work[4]. To most, though, the Cowboy Festival revolves around gustatory exploration.

None of the food offered at the event is at all unusual—with the possible exception of buffalo—but its origins are sufficiently romanticized that we eat like steers in a feedlot (I know; my bovine humor needs work). We’re not eating beef slathered in barbecue sauce, biscuits drowned in milk-and-sausage gravy or syrupy peaches nestled beneath a roof of crumbly cobbler. No, we are on a culinary journey through time to see how cowboys ate when the West was still untamed. This is how they would have grubbed off a chuck wagon, we tell ourselves, plastic spork in hand, paper napkins at the ready, and cell phone in pocket.

When Santa Claritans have had their fill of eating and passive cultural absorption, it’s a good time to wander along the dusty main street and shop or people-watch. People get caught up in the charade, often embarrassingly so. But in the world of PoFest, authentic artisans are happy to mingle with cowboy poseurs and wannabes.

Like all events embraced by Santa Claritans, we have taken elements from another culture and made them palatable to our modern tastes and sensibilities. Fittingly, this fantasy plays out in an Old West town that’s really just a convincing fantasy in itself—a movie and TV set. But let not a little artifice deter you from heading out for the festival’s 15th year; it’s as authentically Santa Claritan as anything comes. This City has rancheros in its past, the Western Walk of Stars, and a lot of cowboy sympathizers. And most Claritan of all, it's getting just a little bit worse for wear each year--more expensive, more overdone, and less like it used to be. Still, I heart it so.

[1]Full disclosure: I didn’t coin PoFest, it is a verbal masterpiece created by L.S.N.
[2]For more details, here is the official site. [3] I will just say that one year, a prominent car salesperson was saying "howdy" in an affected tone and getting fake oh-you're-so-charming giggles from nearby Claritans; I nearly vomited. [4]Yes, there really is a market for that sort of thing. I went to a show that you had to pay for only once in all my times at PoFest, and once was enough.

Only in SCV: 5 Respondent Poll(!) Results

You don’t have to be a statistician to know that a survey of five middle-aged women isn’t representative of all of Santa Clarita. Still, that’s what I had to work with for my investigation into the recognizability of candidates in Santa Clarita’s City Council race. (NOTE: I excluded 5 surveys from my number-crunching because they were from unlikely or unregistered voters. In case you were curious, none of the excluded could identify a single candidate by name or picture. And to think I call some of them my friends…)

So while a complete failure by conventional polling standards, I’m still posting the results. They show what a small sub-set of Claritans that the reader described as "mostly working moms" know about the race some two-and-a-half months before votes are cast. And that’s an important demographic is Santa Clarita—we have lots of moms and they’re more likely to vote than apathetic 20-somethings. Thanks to the brave reader who sent me these results.

Results:

The most recognizable candidate was definitely Bob Kellar. All five survey-takers could identify his picture, and most knew he was running for City Council. Many of the other candidates simply weren’t recognized. There was one case of mistaken identity wherein the respondent identified a photo of Maria Gutzeit as Lynne Plambeck.

The question looking at recognition of City Council candidate names yielded slightly different results. Three recognized that Bob Kellar and Diane Trautman are running, and two knew that Laurie Ender, Maria Gutzeit, and Bob Spierer are running. Lynne Plambeck and Susan Harrison were incorrectly identified as candidates for City Council once each. Finally, one person wrote
“Who cares?” and didn’t identify any candidates on the list.

There was some consensus on the most important issues for the candidates to address. Traffic and growth were cited by three and two respondents, respectively, as major concerns. Gang activity/tagging, “turning into San Fernando Valley”, light synchronization, and housing were also mentioned.

Interpretation:
Bob Kellar has the greatest recognizability among five 25-50 y.o. female voters from one workplace in Santa Clarita. These same voters want traffic problems fixed and aren’t really all that sure who is running for City Council.

Despite a stunning lack of success in my first polling attempt, I remain undiscouraged and will be probing the minds of more Claritans as we approach elections.

Only in SCV: Resolutions on Bags, L.S. Newhall on Name Changes

“Non-binding, unpublicized resolutions are one of the most effective means of governing.”
p. 42 in my book Effective Governing: What Santa Clarita Can Teach the World

The most important issue for tomorrow’s City Council meeting is doubtless Item No. 4 on the Consent Calendar. According to the agenda: “This resolution identifies the City's past, present, and future efforts to promote the use of reusable bags and limit our dependence on plastic shopping bags.” When Santa Clarita’s endorsement of reusable bags is made official, all I can say is expect things to stay the same—and fast!

The issue of street name change is also weighing heavily on the minds of many a Claritan. If City Planners get their way, San Fernando Road will be re-named Newhall Avenue from 5th Street to the 14. Some have consulted business owners along the stretch of road, valley historians, and City staff to see what they think of the plan. For me, however, there are only two opinions that really count: those of the Newhalls and that of San Fernando (anglicized to “Saint Ferdinand”). St. Ferdinand III of Castille, patron of engineers, was unavailable for comment since his earthly life ceased on May 30, 1252[1]. I was, however, able to get a comment from Ms. Lindsey Newhall (yes, that Newhall) who resides in, variously, Beijing and Santa Clarita. While she was unable to speak for the whole Newhall clan, we take what we can get at IHeartSCV.

L.S. Newhall with sign.

Question 1: How do you feel about having San Fernando Road renamed to Newhall Avenue?

I think overall it’s a good idea. That way the exit will be called “Newhall Avenue” and travelers will be more clear that they are coming into Newhall. Besides, San Fernando already has its own valley and I’m a major advocate of anything that gives my name more exposure.


Question 2: How do you feel about the descendants of San Fernando who might be opposed to seeing their forefather’s memory eradicated?

I agree that Saint Ferdinand was a good and upright man, and I do love engineers, but I think his descendants should be satisfied with having their own valley.

[interview ends]

There you have it--Lindsey Newhall thinks renaming San Fernando Road to Newhall Avenue is a good idea. May the fight over the street name be less bloody than San Fernando's 1248 battle for Seville!

NOTE(1/22/08): I have received a reminder from Tony Newhall via Lindsey Newhall that part of San Fernando Road was originally Spruce Street (named by Henry Mayo Newhall, no less) until the powers-that-were saw fit to change the name. Thus, I should have consulted spruces as well. Unfortunately, we have no native spruce trees in the area; the only conifer to which I had access was the Community Holiday Tree at HMNM Hospital. The typically jovial tree has gone nihilistic as it begins to accept the fact that it will probably be cut down for the hospital expansion project. It said "What do I care if they change it back to Spruce Street? Trees don't last forever. They don't matter. Nothing does. [muffled sobs]"

[1]Learn more about Saint Ferdinand here

Only in SCV: How Recognizable are CC Candidates?

The upcoming City Council race isn’t weighing too heavily on the minds of very many Claritans (see figure above). As I suggested in January’s inside SCV[1], part of this apathy is based on the fact that the City Council can do only so much to affect our lives: "There will never be an 'Item 18: Public Hearing on the Death Penalty' on a City Council agenda." Still, it's a good place to start dabbling in politics. Furthermore, councilmembers are in charge of some substantial funds and resources. Wielded effectively, these resources can be used to fight multi-national corporations like CEMEX, preserve open space, and even build new bus stops(!).

The question remains, however, of just how much thought the average Claritan gives to the 2008 City Council race. While you could stop most anyone on the street and reasonably expect them to know the names of at least five candidates for President, I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a Claritan who could tell you the names of all five of the City Council candidates. Sure, campaigning hasn't really begun in earnest (except by Laurie Ender, who started campaigning about 35 years ago), but the vote is less than 90 days away. If candidates are serious about winning, they need to make themselves known to the average Claritan very soon.

To get an idea of how recognizable the various candidates are at present, we need a survey. Thus, I made a survey. It tests how well people know the names and faces of those running for Council (with a few other faces and names thrown in for good measure). I'd like a goodly number of people to take this thing, and for that, I need your help.

It’s simple, really.

1. Print up one or more copies of the survey, saved as a a .pdf file at the link below.

2. Ask any Santa Claritan registered to vote to answer the questions.

3. Repeat as many times as possible. You shouldn’t be averse to standing in front of the mall and asking strangers to do it; many people love doing this kind of thing.

4. Email me the results at iheartscv AT gmail.com, except of course you make the “AT” an “@.” It can be in the form of:

Person 1: 45yo Female. (1)1.Susan Sarandon,2. Didn’t Know, 3.George Bush, etc… (2)Checked boxes A,C,D (3)Mayor Tony the Tiger, important issues are CEMEX and dog parks

5. Your deadline for this assignment is January 20, 2008.

DOWNLOAD SURVEY HERE

And yes, I really do mean deadline. This is an assignment. But it's one you should be pleased to conduct. After all, it’s an investment in both your future and my own: I’ll have something to write about and you’ll have something to read given enough surveys. And through reading and writing we can both forget--at least for a moment--about the daily struggle to endure life in SCV.

Together, in short, we'll get a better idea of how well the average Claritan knows his/her potential future leaders and what that means. Incidentally, below are links to all of the candidates' campaign pages (listed in alphabetical order--I won't play favorites quite yet):

Laurie Ender

Maria Gutzeit

Bob Kellar

Bob Spierer

.

Diane Trautman

[1]Article here

Only in SCV: Resolutions for Santa Clarita

Happy Two-Days-Into-The-New-Year, everyone! After all the partying and relaxing over the holiday season, I think it’s about time that I start getting productive again. Towards this end, I’ve done Santa Clarita the courtesy of writing it some New Year’s Resolutions.

Resolution 1: REALISTIC GOAL
Let Santa Clarita resolve to host the 2016 Olympics.

Santa Clarita is widely known as one of the Great Cities of the world. To keep this status, we need to do something impressive, important, and big—nay, enormous. I think the most feasible option is hosting the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, the greatest realization of sport and sportsmanship on earth.

Someone at City Hall needs to get on this fast, however. We only have until January 14th to place our bid as host city for the 2016 games[1]! According to Wikipedia, the following cities have already filed official bids: Chicago, Prague, Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro, Baku, Doha, and Madrid. We already have Baku beat because no one has ever heard of it. This means our only real competition comes from Chicago, Prague, Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro, Doha and Madrid. The list seems a bit intimidating, sure, but don’t forget all the great things we have going for us.

1. Security. We’re consistently in the top ten safest cities in America. If you want your Olympians to get killed, Olympics Committee, maybe you should go to Chicago. They had 448 murders in 2004 and 2005. That’s called a trend, and it means that precisely 448 people will be killed every year in Chicago, even in 2016. Where I grew up (a little place called Santa Clarita), we don’t call 448 homicides every year “safe”. If you want your Olympic Games to be secure, you want them in Santa Clarita.

2. Experience. Yeah, we’ve got a little bit of experience with sports—and by “a little bit” I’m being very, very sarcastic in an understating kind of way. Each year, Parks & Recreation coaches thousands of kids in everything from basketball to gymnastics. We sponsor an annual marathon. We even host those crazy Amgen bicyclists! Basically, we’re experienced at hosting lots of sporting events, and that’s exactly what an Olympic Host City has to do.

3. Facilities. Happily, most summer sports require only fields, and we have plenty of them (Central Park, the high schools, some of the larger backyards in the wealthy part of Saugus). We boast fine aquatic facilities as well. Bridgeport Lake could certainly accommodate some of the shorter rowing events, and Castaic can pick up the slack.

4. Culture, History and Charm. The Olympics can’t happen just anywhere. The Host City should be beautiful with a history and culture vibrant enough to allow for a dozen or so of NBC’s “A Closer Look At [insert city name here]” clips. This is where Santa Clarita can really shine. The Walk of Western Stars, the historic Oak of the Golden Dream, and the three beautiful murals installed in the recently revitalized Old Town Newhall are sure to dazzle the media and visitors.

5. Hotels and Dining. Finally, athletes, heads-of-state, officials, and spectators need to be comfortable while they’re here. With the Hyatt for power players and Motel 6 for the everyman, I don’t think anyone will have trouble finding a place to sleep in SCV. As for dining, we are essentially a microcosm of global cuisine. Those wishing to sample authentic American fare can eat at McDonald’s, Coco’s, or Saugus Cafe. Those craving a taste of home will also be in luck. China’s athletes might dine at Panda Express (did somebody say orange chicken?). The Promenade’s Olive Garden is certain to appeal to visitors from Italy. Even the finicky French can enjoy a croissant from the Ralph’s bakery—they’re very good.

Before I started writing this list, I admit that I was a little nervous about our chances against some of the other cities vying for the 2016 Olympics. But now that all we have to offer is laid out, I am more confident than ever that our resolution to host the Olympic Games is attainable. All we need is some hard work, a bit of luck, and a City Council that’s willing to think big. Mayor Kellar: can you help us make this resolution a reality?

Resolution 2: KICK A BAD HABIT(S)

2a. Let Santa Clarita resolve to not allow the construction of anymore houses with non-functional shutters (You know, the ones glued outside windows like they’re open; they’re stupid. Leave the shutters off or put on ones that work).

2b. Let Santa Clarita resolve to not cut ribbons every time something opens. Cutting a ribbon and/or having a grand opening for every road realignment (e.g., downtown Newhall) and fence building (e.g., Central Park Dog Park) is too much of a good thing. The reward of cutting a ribbon needs to be reserved for grander accomplishments, like completion of the cross valley connector. Santa Clarita is like the kid who buys herself a candy bar every time she passes a spelling test; both get fat on self-administered praise.

2c. Let Santa Clarita resolve to stop having fires. I think this one is self-explanatory.

[1]More information is available here
[2]Learn about Chicago homicides on page 5

Only in SCV: Christmas Challenges, Light Displays

Certain Santa Claritans have been making it very challenging for me to be merry this Christmas. Don’t get me wrong—I still heart you all. But when I’m in a drive-thru line and forced to sit behind a Mercedes Benz crossover with a license plate holder reading “Two princesses, One stressed out queen” and two DVD screens playing Dora the freakin’ Explorer for the two little princesses while the driver (A.K.A. “stressed out queen”) is trying to talk on her cell phone and order at the same time, well, I have to try harder than normal to keep the spirit of the season in my heart.

In any case, we were in the drive-thru line to get sustenance for a tour of Christmas light displays, a family tradition that has changed little in two decades. As I ate some fries and the nightmarish Mercedes began to fade from my mind, I came to another unfortunate realization. Every year, it gets just a little bit harder to see lights as ever more valley homes fall behind the fortress-like walls of gated communities.

Here, for example, a gate prevents me from appreciating the festive show of lights in Bridgeport’s “The Island” community. Homeowners must appreciate these gates. God only knows how many unsavory characters are lurking around and trying to steal a glimpse of their pretend, 7-foot deep lake.

Other communities proved more conducive to light viewing. After admiring the efforts of hundreds of Claritans, I finally decided on my three favorite homes. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas Eve!

1st Place

2nd Place

3rd Place

Only in SCV: Gifts That Deserve Giving

Rampant Christmas consumerism isn’t the sort of thing that keeps Claritans up at night. We’re not so worried about materialism getting the best of us during the holiday season. And I can sympathize. Why not reward those who make nice crap by buying it?

Still, it’s good to act charitably this time of year. Better yet, you can turn your charitable acts into gifts for others. Thus, I present three non-profits that present great gift-giving potential. With six full days of shopping left, consider these three ways to stuff the stockings in your life.

Charity: Santa Clarita Disaster Coalition
Give for your Neighbors in SCV

An email release from Gail Ortiz introduced me to the Santa Clarita Disaster Coalition. Mother Nature is always raging against somebody in this valley, whether with mudslides, floods, or fire, and the SCDC is there to help people recover. “The Coalition is comprised of a caring group of community leaders, including representatives from local government, businesses, faith-based organizations, schools, and nonprofits who seek to help those in need from our area rebuild their lives. The Coalition also works to address the need for increased awareness of local disaster preparedness and response plans.”

100% of donations to the SCDC help victims (that’s no overhead!), and in the wake of October’s fires they’ve prioritized helping families first. Basically, they’re doing disaster relief in the best way possible. A donation would be timely, appropriate, and rewarding to all parties involved. Donate on behalf of one of your friends or family members. Tell them they’ve helped make life a little warmer and a little better for neighbors in need.

Website: http://www.scvcoalition.com/


Culture & Community: Martial Arts Museum
Give a Membership

I know that I’m usually being ironic when I talk about Newhall being the seat of the arts, but the Martial Arts Museum is the real deal. They’re working hard to be a vital part of the community by hosting screenings, demonstrations (everything from Kung Fu to sushi rolling), and other events. Though the martial arts might seem like a fringe interest, they’ve become an important part of American culture, and this is the first museum dedicated to them.

I went to the museum for the first time about a month ago. I particularly liked a section on Hawaiian martial arts. The construction of weapons from wood and shark teeth point to the challenges of life on an island with no steel. Wooden spears and clubs offered insight into Hawaii’s culture and natural history. The museum is full of such wonderful discoveries-in-the-waiting—classic Bruce Lee clips, samurai swords, historic garb…

The founder and president, Art Comacho, is an exceedingly nice guy who is building the museum’s collection with grants, determination, and connections. I won’t lie—the space doesn’t look “finished” in the way most of LA’s small museums do, but it’s growing and improving all the time. A membership is a great way to both support this growth and benefit from it. Members are entitled to visit the collection, attend cultural classes, and receive discounts.

Website: http://www.martialartsmuseum.com/
Phone: 661.255.3322


Nature & Conservation: Placerita Canyon Natural Area & Nature Center
Give a Rattlesnake (really!—sort of)

The Placerita Canyon Nature Center of my childhood—the one with dark wood beams, charming stuffed specimens, and a musky, mildew aroma—is no more. The operation has been moved to a trailer parked just outside the nature center of yore. At first, I thought this was a way to make visitors from Canyon Country feel more comfortable (not all of them are used to entering buildings without wheels[2]), but Placerita is actually in the midst of a face-lift. Despite the challenges of construction, PNC remains a central part of Santa Clarita life. Its land preserves wildflowers and wild creatures, it's the epicenter of the Community Hiking Club, the staff teach thousands of school kids about nature every year, and the center hosts wonderful events like night hikes, animal presentations, and natural history classes.

One way you can help support these efforts is by adopting one of the nature center’s animals. This is a most efficient gift: it will help PNC pay an animal’s food and vet bills and it has the potential of knocking an entire family off of your shopping list. Indeed, giving an adoption certificate and photo of an adorable opossum (or of a semi-adorable rattlesnake) is perfect for a family with young kids or nature lovers. You can call them for more details.

Website: http://www.placerita.org/
Phone: 661.259.7721

[1]The press release available here.
[2]Oh get over it.

Only in SCV: Intercepted Christmas Letters, Set 1

Though I might not hang out with Bob Kellar on the weekends or appear in the crème de la crème section of elite magazine, I like to think of myself as well-connected in SCV. You want proof? Well, I recently used my connections at the post office to obtain Christmas letters that certain influential Claritans were trying to send to Santa Claus. I know, mail tampering is a felony, but it’s the kind I’m willing to commit--is there any better way to get a glimpse of the inner-workings of the minds of some of our most fascinating citizens? (Don't worry, the letters were faxed to the North Pole so Santa will have copies of their gift lists).

Unfortunately, my post office connection blacked-out all the signatures in the name of privacy. Maybe y’all can help me figure out who wrote each of these letters to Santa. The connection has promised to get me some more next week, so keep your fingers crossed that more Claritans write Christmas letters.

[NOTE: you may have to click on the letters to make them of readable size.]

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Only in SCV: Poll Results (for Posterity)

I want to state for the record that Blogger leaves much to be desired when it comes to the polling feature. The provided template is designed for polls with short questions, few answers, and concise phrasing. That just doesn’t work for wordy folks like me. Furthermore, the polls don’t integrate nicely into posts and when they’re taken down, they’re gone forever.

Thus, I below present October's poll results for the sake of preservation. When an electronic archaeologist stumbles upon this blog centuries from now, they will know that approximately 1 in 3 Claritans were sufficiently self-aware to rank "Santa Claritans themselves" as the most frightening thing in the valley.

Poll Dates: Oct29 - Nov2

Voters: 40


Question: Happy Halloween, y’all. In accord with this most chilling of holidays, let’s take a poll: What are the most frightening things in/about Santa Clarita? You can pick more than one answer.

Results (in descending popularity):
Santa Claritans themselves: 15 (37%)
F.F.F.s (Frank Ferry Fits): 15 (37%)
Our steady transformation into the San Fernando Valley: 14 (35%)
Our valley’s high flammability: 8 (20%)
Going into Newhall at night: 8 (20%)
Getting on the Flemings’ bad side: 7 (17%)
Noyaca, the lake monster of Bridgeport: 6 (15%)
Going into Canyon Country at night: 6 (15%)
Potential for a break-out from Pitchess Detention Center: 3 (7%)
Other (specify in comments): 0%

Only in SCV: I Heart November

Do you know how to read? Not quite sure? Well there's an easy way to find out! Just pay a visit to insideSCV Magazine[1] where I may or may not have contributed to the publication's word-count with thoughts on November in Santa Clarita. If you understand what all those trickly little symbols on the page stand for, then you may rest assured in your ability to comprehend the written word.

[1]See SCV, from the inside

Only in SCV: What About the Smelt?

When you’re all grown up and sitting on the therapist’s couch, don’t you dare say I didn’t love you: I just spent an hour of my life listening to the Newhall County Water District Board debate on KHTS[1]. Given that the election grows ever nearer I thought I’d provide a helpful summary of what went on at this past Monday’s face-off. Sure, The Signal already provided cursory coverage of what’s been said[2], but did they consult smelt? I think not. And I'm still waiting for the paper's reporters to offer more pertinent candidate details, like their astrological signs (doesn't a Pisces, Scorpio, or Cancer make sense?).

Anyhow, I’ve assembled a chart highlighting the three candidates actively vying for the two vacancies on the Newhall County Water District Board. I say "actively vying", but that phrase might be a little over-generous for candidate Rachel Neville. While dismissed by some as a beauty queen, she’s ambitiously pursuing an advanced degree at UCLA and wants to go straight to the top of the SCV political scene[4]. Service on the district seems like a fair way to get her feet wet, but she’s not acting very much like someone who wants to win. Plambeck said Neville has never attended a Water District Board meeting, and Neville wasn’t at the KHTS/Signal debate. Obviously, there are plenty of circumstances that take priority over going to a debate. But maybe, just maybe, might there be some in Santa Clarita who want Rachel Neville to win (and displace Plambeck) more than she wants to win herself?

I would encourage you to learn more about each candidate before making a decision in November, but that’s not my style. After all, an educated vote and an uneducated vote count just the same, but the uneducated one is so much easier!

Click to make the charts bigger--sorry. Quotations and particulars were gleaned from the broadcast debate (link provided in footnote 1). Also, the education in R.N.'s box should read "Master's/PhD not specified on the Mrs. SCV website."

My prediction? People will give their first vote to either Lynne or Rachel but they'll all give their second vote to Dan. Severe water shortages in Atlanta and the Delta Smelt story favor a conservation-oriented candidate, but business, the bulk of mailers, and the desire to fight-the-fish favor someone who won't stand in the way of (any) new development. I suppose we shall see.


[1]Listen here
[2]The Signal's story just in case you value things like respectful reporting. While you're there, do email them a request for details on astrological signs.
[3]KHTS ran the piece in which Pat Ingram is quoted. Read it here.
Do you seek to know more about THE CHAMBER? I introduce them in this blog, and their official site is here.
[4]Dug up by J.W. of SCVTalk, her pageant page provides all manner of insight.

Only in SCV: Welcoming October the Claritan Way

Fall awakens in us a ravenous hunger for dying foliage. Green leaves are nice, to be sure, but there is a part of the human psyche that demands its leaves crisp, crimson, and dead. This autumnal appetite is easily sated along the Santa Clara River where some of the native cottonwoods are just beginning to yellow. Taking in this appetizer to high fall's visual feast—and crunching some of it underfoot—is the first step to properly doing October in the SCV.


The next step in Clarita's well-delineated October protocol is purchasing pumpkins. You could get your large orange gourd from the cardboard boxes outside of supermarkets. It's not illegal. Of course, you'd better do it at 4 a.m. and be wearing large, dark sunglasses. Otherwise, you're going to lose what little street cred you had with the Claritans who do things the right way and go to Lombardi Ranch[1]. Yes, it's a long way and yes, you're going to have to wash the Acura you bought from the Flemings after driving on that dusty Saugus road, but no, there's no way around it.

Indeed, all decent Claritans descend on the ranch en masse for pumpkins, Indian corn, and other vegetal signifiers of the change in season. If these aren't sufficient impetus for the trip, there are animals at which to marvel and scarecrow contest entries to be beheld. They're actually being judged today.


Inevitably, Moms-with-kids go completely Anne Geddes[2] in the pumpkin patches. Tiny tots must appease their temporarily crazed parents by sitting on the largest pumpkins available until the camera batteries die of exhaustion. If you're one of these photo-happy parents, I hope you know that at least four-thousand other parents are going to put their child on the same pumpkin your child is sitting on and take more or less the same picture. But don't worry—yours really is the most adorable.


Claritans leave Lombardi's assured that rural charm is no more or less than a twenty-minute drive away—just the way we like it.


The next October obligation is a stop for costumes. In this regard, A Chorus Line Dancewear & Costumes[3] is the most authentically Claritan option--it's the only shop owned and opped by the Newhall clan. I've seen people leaving its doors carrying everything from basic face paint to a pirate get-up to a Xena, Warrior Princess, ensemble.

Despite these and a vast array of other offerings, what the store lacks is an appropriate selection of genuinely SCV costumes. People can easily find a George Bush mask, but where are masks depicting Laurene Weste or other local politicians? There is cowboy garb, but how much of it is W.S. Hart inspired? And what does a Claritan have to do for a decent Tataviam Indian costume? As always, it's only hot laydeez who have an easy time getting a costume this time of year--all they have to do is put the adjective "sexy" in front of any occupation and they have their outfit (e.g., the sexy nurse, the sexy French maid, the sexy librarian, and the always popular sexy dental hygienist).


Given "a gang-related stabbing spree in 1985, a riot that spilled from the park to businesses in 1993 and the shooting death of a teen in the parking lot in 1998"[4], you might think Magic Mountain was scary enough. This month, though, they throw in Fright Fest for good measure[5]. Attending F.F. becomes an additional October duty for teenagers, but it's one they're generally pleased to carry out. After all, the emo teen of today loves the morbid, unsettling quality of Halloween almost as much as their goth predecessors.


Having marvelled at leaves, obtained pumpkins, and selected the perfect costume, one's October duties are almost entirely fulfilled. Halloween is always mandatory, whether it involves trick-or-treating or a pray-a-thon sponsored in protest of the evil night by one's congregation. But that's all still 31 days away, and I have some October obligations to fulfill. So, if you'll excuse me...



[1]In case you didn't know, Lombardi Ranch is on Bouquet Canyon Road. Their website is here
[2]She's the woman who takes pictures of babies in pea pod, sunflower, and other produce-related costumes for those best-selling calendars.
[3]Reachable at 661.253.0300. They're on the corner of Cinema Drive and San Fernando/Bouquet Canyon Road.
[4]From a July 2, 2006 LA Times article by Amanda Covarrubias and Lynn Doan: Close Magic Mountain? Residents Aren't Thrilled.
[5]Don't worry, it's safe with all the beefed-up security and what not. Fright Fest takes place on Friday, Saturdays, and Sundays throughout October as well as the Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday preceding/including Halloween.

Only in SCV: Free Stuff For Being Young

Kids have it pretty hard these days, especially in Santa Clarita. They have to be well-versed in High School Musical[1], get the grades it takes to get into C.O.C., and survive ingestion of lead-based paints on their Dora the Explorer toys[2].

Spending a day in the shoes of a Claritan kid would surely make those whiny orphans from Sub-Saharan African realize how lucky they are. All they have to worry about is growing enough millet to eat next year and getting their HIV meds![3].

Anyhow, I’m happy to know that I’m not alone when it comes to thinking it’s high time that this community showed its appreciation of youth. According to an August 30th City press release “Every year, Americans celebrate Mother’s Day, Father’s Day…even Groundhog’s Day. The City of Santa Clarita thinks it time to honor children by celebrating a ‘Day for Kids.’[4]" To be precise, Santa Clarita will be officially participating in the nationwide Boys & Girls Club's Day for Kids held on the third Saturday of September[5].

Click on the trademarked star to learn more about the DFK. According to the Boys and Girls Club-sponsored site, "By celebrating BGC Day for Kids, we remind the children in our lives just how important they are." Obviously, the bulk of participants will be the negligent parents who were just waiting for a national organization to tell them to start caring about their kids.

While the event is purportedly about getting parents to be more involved in the lives of their children, it’s also a great chance to win free stuff. Several community businesses have come forward with donations to show that they’re pro-kid. Wal-Mart, for one, has given a computer that will be raffled off to a child in Newhall Memorial Park, the epicenter for the event. Blockbuster has even donated an X-Box.

Because the Day for Kids is but two years old, I’m not sure if it’s traditional to buy one’s children additional gifts in honor of the occasion. I imagine it should be.

[1]Whether it’s because they like it or because they want to be able to mock it depends on age. And yes, I was blessed to attend Valencia High School with HSM co-star Ashley Tisdale. She’s changed a lot in five years. For starters, her skin and hair are no longer gray.

(Then & Now)
[2]Let's explore high concentrations of lead in kids' toys!

[3]Talk of hungry African kids vs. American kids always recalls this classic the Onion article
[4] Press release here. Does seeing the phrase written as “Mother’s Day” bother you too? If so, reading some guy's thoughts on apostrophe placement in the phrase might help
[5]Learn more about this heart-warming idea here

Only in SCV: Two Treats in the Mail

Join me as I catch up on the literary treasures I missed when away from the SCV. It's time for vacation mail (at least the SCV-related stuff).

Holy Crap, We’re Spending $2M on Bus Stops!
or, The State of the City Newsletter

Did you know our city has a color scheme? According to Alisha Celestine, writer of “The New Look of Transit”, we do! It’s a “refreshing color scheme of rich greens and blues.” Cool! Literally! I can’t stop using exclamation points!

Refreshed? I am!

Application of this color scheme in new signs will be a fundamental component of a two-million dollar project to improve bus stops. The Bus Stop Improvement Program (BSIP) will apparently spiffy-up 51 existing shelters and put 40 new shelters into existence. That comes out to about $22,000 per shelter, for which we get “solar security lightning [sic], steel strap benches with backs and intermediate armrests, and trash receptacles with covered lids […and] a public art component at 25-percent of the bus stop locations.” The solar security “lightning” will doubtless eat up most of the budget.

The remainder of the newsletter consists of the City patting itself on the back. The words “vision”, “success” and “future” figure prominently throughout.


“…stories of Santa Clarita people who have accomplished success”
or, the August/September 2007 élite magazine

Pity Linda and Moe Hafizi: their computer must have a broken comma key! The publishers of the modestly titled élite magazine—an SCV bi-monthly that “takes it up a notch and invites you to come along”—certainly appeared to be victims of a busted keyboard in the newest issue.

Indeed, what but a broken button could explain the sentence “As will, our ‘Looking Back’ feature on Glen Blackshaw, married more than 50 years, the start to their union may have been a bit unconventional since neither could understand a word of what the other was saying”? Yes, that’s really a sentence from this issue’s letter from the publishers. Unsurprisingly, the fairer half of the publishing duo responsible for that gem is also editor-in-chief[1]. While the magazine’s rough edges aren’t easily overlooked, they are easily forgiven. After all, élite gives a glimpse into the lives of the privileged class that us common folk are rarely afforded. In this issue, for instance, I’ve learned how the president of the Bank of Santa Clarita stays fit and got a private tour of the home of the Hovsepians, an elite Claritan family! I was even introduced to General Hospital actor Rick Hearst, a man who has “overcome insurmountable odds in the competitive world of entertainment.[2]”

But as fun as it is to read, the best part of élite magazine is the game I get to play in every issue. It’s called “Count the Flemings” because photos of Cheri, Don, Scooter, and Spark Plug are, to use one of the French phrases so beloved by the mag[3], de rigeur. To be fair, this is due in large part to the fact that they do a lot of charity work and go to many charity events--many heavily photographed charity events. Likewise, there is never a shortage of pictures of the Hafizi clan. The April/May issue included six photos for a total of ten Hafizis.

One Fleming (Don), two Flemings (Cheri), three Flemings ("Speed Bump"), ah ah ah...

Finally, every issue includes locals modeling clothes bought at the hottest, hippest SCV boutiques (e.g., Macy’s in this issue) and an amazing recipe. This month I enjoyed learning how to make Chef Olivier Quinn’s Heirloom Tomato Salad with Burrata Cheese. The secret is buying tomatoes and cheese and then putting them on the same serving platter. Très gourmet!

If you don’t receive élite, there’s a reason: only elite addresses get élite magazines. According to the website[4], it’s mailed to a “targeted” set of residences, “numerous upscale locations”, and “select local hotels.” How it arrived in the ghetto of Valencia I do not know, but I appreciate the mistake.

[1]That’s Linda, to be specific. Ati and Alex Hafizi are responsible for graphic design, and they do a remarkably good job.
[2]Based on the article, these "insurmountable odds" were the death of his grandfather and the separation of his parents. By these criteria, I too have overcome "insurmountable odds"!
[3]No, not even a title like élite is sufficiently pretentious for this magazine. They gush over houses in the “La Maison” section, and photos of important, event-attending Claritans are published under the banner “Crème de la Crème.”
[4]If I've sold you on the magazine (or, rather, if it has sold itself to you), click here. Try to ignore the clutching of jowls.