***SPOILER ALERT! If you don't want the surprise of who won the presidential race ruined for you, read no further!***
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Barack Obama Wins Presidency
As Obama delivered a thoroughly uninspiring acceptance speech during which he opted not to smile nor to explore new talking points nor to try out new phrasing, I wept[1]. The anecdotes about senile old ladies on whom speechwriters projected empty idealism. The tacky split-screens showing Obama and the Lincoln Monument, juxtaposition at its most inept. The phallic stage jutting lewdly into a mass of people for whom election research was reading monosyllabic campaign posters promising “change” and “hope.” It was all too much.
If Santa Clarita were a person, she would have voted for McCain (though a sizable percentage of her would have been conflicted about the decision[2]). To see Santa Clarita’s voice so willfully ignored was more than I could take. You spoke, Clarita, but the rest of America did not listen.
But all was not lost.
When it came to state ballot measures, Santa Clarita indeed led the way. Here are some highlights of our victories, assuming results/trends at 11:19pm on election night reflect what the final results will be:
Prop 1A: You want to build a big old fancy train that doesn’t make a stop in Santa Clarita? We think not! We righteously smote this measure, and the rest of California followed suit.
Prop 2: Claritans like to treat their pets well, buying them Christmas presents, taking them to dog parks, and letting them star in car dealership commercials. We have led the way in humane treatment of animals, and now the whole state has fallen in line by agreeing to let farm animals stretch their limbs before slaughter.
Prop 3: Before you improve/build hospitals for kids, we'd like to have a few years of meetings at City Hall. Fail.
Prop 8: Us Claritans are of the traditional sort. Weddings should be expensive, have plenty of booze, and be of the heterosexual persuasion. So too thinks most of the rest of California, and this proposition passed.
Prop 10: If we're going to subsidize any vehicles, they'll be the kind that get our kids to their soccer matches safely, not weird, dinky natural-gas-sippin' hippy-cars. In allegiance to auto row, we--and California at large--voted no.
Clearly, our voice does matter some of the time. We're always right, and the broader world sometimes has the wisdom to listen to us. Santa Clarita remains the best part of America, and we intend to continue leading the way no matter what.
[1]As my sister said “It sounded like an ‘Oh, shit, now I actually have to prove myself’ speech.” Being as objective as possible, I think McCain gave a better concession speech than Obama gave an acceptance speech. And no, I didn’t really weep—not on the outside, anyways.
[2]Here I'm guessing since that information isn't all tabulated as of yet. Still, I think it's safe to guess that SCV is conservative.
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1 comment:
SCV - The best?
Oh please, the SCV is populated by a bunch of hypocrites. They all hollar about child safety and schools, yet do not dare step in front of their car as they are speeding away from dropping off their darlings. They routinely speed, run stop signs, talk on the non-hands free phones, and run red lights yet complain about traffic. They all think their brats are just wonderful, and these little darlings are out having sex, drinking, drugging, vandalizing property and commiting crimes. Yes, parents, YOUR kids!
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