Only in SCV: Christmas Challenges, Light Displays

Certain Santa Claritans have been making it very challenging for me to be merry this Christmas. Don’t get me wrong—I still heart you all. But when I’m in a drive-thru line and forced to sit behind a Mercedes Benz crossover with a license plate holder reading “Two princesses, One stressed out queen” and two DVD screens playing Dora the freakin’ Explorer for the two little princesses while the driver (A.K.A. “stressed out queen”) is trying to talk on her cell phone and order at the same time, well, I have to try harder than normal to keep the spirit of the season in my heart.

In any case, we were in the drive-thru line to get sustenance for a tour of Christmas light displays, a family tradition that has changed little in two decades. As I ate some fries and the nightmarish Mercedes began to fade from my mind, I came to another unfortunate realization. Every year, it gets just a little bit harder to see lights as ever more valley homes fall behind the fortress-like walls of gated communities.

Here, for example, a gate prevents me from appreciating the festive show of lights in Bridgeport’s “The Island” community. Homeowners must appreciate these gates. God only knows how many unsavory characters are lurking around and trying to steal a glimpse of their pretend, 7-foot deep lake.

Other communities proved more conducive to light viewing. After admiring the efforts of hundreds of Claritans, I finally decided on my three favorite homes. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas Eve!

1st Place

2nd Place

3rd Place

Happenings: 'Tis(dale) the Season for Nose Jobs...and Babies

WARNING: You are about to read about stars Jamie Lynn Spears and Ashley Tisdale. Both of their stories relate to SCV (Valencia in particular), but proceed with due caution.


Jamie Lynn Spears, Baby, and Valencia: It's All Connected

First, I need to report on Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney Spears’ younger sister and star of Zoey 101) who is 16 and pregnant. According to newspapers and blogs, she was apartment shopping with the baby-daddy (19-year-old Casey Aldridge) in Valencia this summer[1].

That’s not the only Valencia connection. Mike Fleeman of People reports that “Aldridge drove her [J.L. Spears] to the Valencia set, near Los Angeles, every day and stayed there while she worked, impressing Lynne and Jamie Lynn's father, Jamie.[2]"

This is the clearest proof yet that you can't make it very long in Valencia without a baby. They just happen here...even to Jamie Lynn Spears.

'Tis(dale) the Season for Nose Jobs


Folks, I’ve painted myself into a corner. By covering Ashley Tisdale in the past, I must (for consistency’s sake) report on the now famous former Claritan as she makes the news once again. The entertainment-savvy crowd will know that she recently had a nose job to correct a “severely deviated septum.” It wasn’t until last Friday, however, that she made her first big appearance at the Z100 Jingle Ball. This means I can now present to you the nose, before and after.

Before (left) and after (right), in case you couldn't tell. Says Tisdale “I like that it still looks like me” and “I really think natural is more beautiful.” [3]

This plastic surgery ordeal reminded me of an ad in G.G. Reynolds’ Santa Clarita: Valley of the Golden Dream [4]. I can't seem to find my copy right now, but I know for certain that there’s a plastic surgeon in there who, at the time of publication, was apparently the only Board Certified Plastic Surgeon in SCV. Times have changed—try googling “plastic surgeon Santa Clarita.” I guess we just have more deviated septums (and breasts, forehead wrinkles, and tummies) than we used to.

[1] The Valencia connection here
[2] The article is available here
[3] Quotations from People
[4] Published in 1992 by World of Communications.

Only in SCV: Gifts That Deserve Giving

Rampant Christmas consumerism isn’t the sort of thing that keeps Claritans up at night. We’re not so worried about materialism getting the best of us during the holiday season. And I can sympathize. Why not reward those who make nice crap by buying it?

Still, it’s good to act charitably this time of year. Better yet, you can turn your charitable acts into gifts for others. Thus, I present three non-profits that present great gift-giving potential. With six full days of shopping left, consider these three ways to stuff the stockings in your life.

Charity: Santa Clarita Disaster Coalition
Give for your Neighbors in SCV

An email release from Gail Ortiz introduced me to the Santa Clarita Disaster Coalition. Mother Nature is always raging against somebody in this valley, whether with mudslides, floods, or fire, and the SCDC is there to help people recover. “The Coalition is comprised of a caring group of community leaders, including representatives from local government, businesses, faith-based organizations, schools, and nonprofits who seek to help those in need from our area rebuild their lives. The Coalition also works to address the need for increased awareness of local disaster preparedness and response plans.”

100% of donations to the SCDC help victims (that’s no overhead!), and in the wake of October’s fires they’ve prioritized helping families first. Basically, they’re doing disaster relief in the best way possible. A donation would be timely, appropriate, and rewarding to all parties involved. Donate on behalf of one of your friends or family members. Tell them they’ve helped make life a little warmer and a little better for neighbors in need.

Website: http://www.scvcoalition.com/


Culture & Community: Martial Arts Museum
Give a Membership

I know that I’m usually being ironic when I talk about Newhall being the seat of the arts, but the Martial Arts Museum is the real deal. They’re working hard to be a vital part of the community by hosting screenings, demonstrations (everything from Kung Fu to sushi rolling), and other events. Though the martial arts might seem like a fringe interest, they’ve become an important part of American culture, and this is the first museum dedicated to them.

I went to the museum for the first time about a month ago. I particularly liked a section on Hawaiian martial arts. The construction of weapons from wood and shark teeth point to the challenges of life on an island with no steel. Wooden spears and clubs offered insight into Hawaii’s culture and natural history. The museum is full of such wonderful discoveries-in-the-waiting—classic Bruce Lee clips, samurai swords, historic garb…

The founder and president, Art Comacho, is an exceedingly nice guy who is building the museum’s collection with grants, determination, and connections. I won’t lie—the space doesn’t look “finished” in the way most of LA’s small museums do, but it’s growing and improving all the time. A membership is a great way to both support this growth and benefit from it. Members are entitled to visit the collection, attend cultural classes, and receive discounts.

Website: http://www.martialartsmuseum.com/
Phone: 661.255.3322


Nature & Conservation: Placerita Canyon Natural Area & Nature Center
Give a Rattlesnake (really!—sort of)

The Placerita Canyon Nature Center of my childhood—the one with dark wood beams, charming stuffed specimens, and a musky, mildew aroma—is no more. The operation has been moved to a trailer parked just outside the nature center of yore. At first, I thought this was a way to make visitors from Canyon Country feel more comfortable (not all of them are used to entering buildings without wheels[2]), but Placerita is actually in the midst of a face-lift. Despite the challenges of construction, PNC remains a central part of Santa Clarita life. Its land preserves wildflowers and wild creatures, it's the epicenter of the Community Hiking Club, the staff teach thousands of school kids about nature every year, and the center hosts wonderful events like night hikes, animal presentations, and natural history classes.

One way you can help support these efforts is by adopting one of the nature center’s animals. This is a most efficient gift: it will help PNC pay an animal’s food and vet bills and it has the potential of knocking an entire family off of your shopping list. Indeed, giving an adoption certificate and photo of an adorable opossum (or of a semi-adorable rattlesnake) is perfect for a family with young kids or nature lovers. You can call them for more details.

Website: http://www.placerita.org/
Phone: 661.259.7721

[1]The press release available here.
[2]Oh get over it.

Happenings: Happy 20th!

December is full of important dates, but none of them are more important than today. It was twenty years ago today that a glowing beacon first shone in the gloom of north Los Angeles County. It was twenty years ago today that fate brought together the finest land, buildings, and people into one, cohesive unit. It was twenty years ago today that civilization entered its Golden Age because, twenty years ago today, the City of Santa Clarita was born.

We should feel immensely privileged to be a part of the greatest realization of American cityhood in history. Wait, what's this...this...feeling? I...I'm suddenly overtaken by an urge to take a metered tone in an ode to the City of Santa Claria...

Great Rome and Persia rose and fell;
Babylon’s wealth and power swelled
But its vast glory too would fade.
Santa Clarita, so fair she
Alone shall live through history
Demise shall she ever evade.

Clarita, rich in SUVs
Over-priced homes, stunted trees
Pampered children, indulg’ed pets
Coffee from Starbucks, moms in sweats
Yuppies, lawyers, plastic surgeons
Stores that with tacky crap do burgeon
Thugs in Newhall, Magic Mountain
Ugly mosaic water fountains
Paseo paths and bike trails long
Master plans that are never wrong
Third mortgages, golf courses green,
Saugus Cafe and emo-teens
Daily fundraisers for charity
CalArts, Master’s, and C.O.C.
Fire-scarred hillsides, earth-quaked land
CEMEX (they want to mine our sand)
The gnarled oak of the Golden Dream
Five-thousand eleven soccer teams

Santa Clarita, my sweet dear
Your twentieth birthday now draws near
Behind you, greatness manifest
Ahead of you, greatness greater yet
One birthday wish I offer thee:
Live on; for I Heart S.C.V.

Only in SCV: Intercepted Christmas Letters, Set 1

Though I might not hang out with Bob Kellar on the weekends or appear in the crème de la crème section of elite magazine, I like to think of myself as well-connected in SCV. You want proof? Well, I recently used my connections at the post office to obtain Christmas letters that certain influential Claritans were trying to send to Santa Claus. I know, mail tampering is a felony, but it’s the kind I’m willing to commit--is there any better way to get a glimpse of the inner-workings of the minds of some of our most fascinating citizens? (Don't worry, the letters were faxed to the North Pole so Santa will have copies of their gift lists).

Unfortunately, my post office connection blacked-out all the signatures in the name of privacy. Maybe y’all can help me figure out who wrote each of these letters to Santa. The connection has promised to get me some more next week, so keep your fingers crossed that more Claritans write Christmas letters.

[NOTE: you may have to click on the letters to make them of readable size.]

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Happenings: December Upon Us

I find that I just can't bring myself to go to today's tree lighting at Henry Mayo[1]. As readers of this blog well know, the community holiday tree is slated to meet its demise in several years given the approval of Henry Mayo/G&L Realty's expansion project. Lighting up the tree and having kids sing around it is akin to massaging cows and giving them sake-soaked grain before they're turned into Wagyu beef. It just seems...wrong. Today, the lovely conifer hears angelic voices carolling, but tomorrow (figuratively), it hears the buzz of the chainsaw. I will not willingly participate in any efforts to lull the tree into a false sense of security.

In any case, it's December and we all need something to get us into the holiday spirit, even if it's not a tree lighting. Thus, I offer this article from inside SCV magazine[2]. It's about Santa, snow, destruction, and loss--my favorites!--and how it may be time to say goodbye Santa Claus, hello Santa Clarita.

[1]If you want to go, the lighting is at 5pm this evening. Details here.
[2]SCV seen from the inside...

Happenings: Meaningless Gestures, Anyone?

Yesterday’s City Council Meeting can be summarized as “Meaningless gestures and the people who love them.” To wit:


Meaningless Gesture 1: The Lobbyist Registration Ordinance

At the urging of a few suspicious citizens, the City embarked on a journey some months ago. The destination is a splendid promise land where all lobbyists appearing before the council are registered and declared as such. Sadly—but accurately—Mayor Pro Tem Bob Kellar called the lobbyist registration ordinance “absolutely meaningless to the citizens of Santa Clarita.” Indeed, Councilmember Ferry could rattle off SCV’s lobbyists’ names by heart and Councilmember Weste made the point of knowing the identity of all lobbyists when she spoke a last week’s meeting. Mayor McLean said something close to “it’ll make them [Claritans] feel better”, which is exactly what this bill is about. The council will say officially, rather than informally, that it knows who lobbyists are, and that’s just the sort of meaningless gesture that makes my day.

TimBen Boydston said “I respectfully disagree completely” after Kellar made a point about Lobbyist Registration being totally meaningless. Kellar still gives the measure his support.

M.G.2: Annexation Amendments
Altering the annexation initiation threshold by 5% isn’t meaningless, but appearances by Castaic folks were. Everyone speaking feigned disinterest in the outcome. If they were all mashed into one person, he would have said “Oh I don’t really have a position about whether we want to be annexed or not; I just want things to be done properly. There are studies to finish! Let’s all cooperate and respect one another, shall we?.” A slightly amended version of the policy carried in the face of these exquisitely helpful platitudes.


M.G.3: Accountability Panel Extension
The Council (minus Boydston) agreed to extend the deadline for applications to the Open Space Financial Accountability and Audit Panel. Despite having five qualified candidates (five are needed, and a sixth has put his name back into the race after withdrawing) turn in their applications by the deadline, city Manager Ken Pulskamp thought it would be a swell idea to extend the deadline to December 28th. Councilmember Ferry called it like it was—a (meaningless) gesture, but one that’s nice to make in light of the fires that swept through town during the week of the deadline. Obviously, there will be another extenstion after the December 28th one in case people were too busy dealing with the holidays to turn in their application.


I’m all for meaningless gestures, but I also respect Boydston’s observation that people who want to participate in things like accountability panels “are few and far between.” There aren’t a lot of Claritans salivating over the chance to study, review, and debate complicated land acquisitions. Thankfully, Jim Farley (who opposed the measure from the beginning and will provide a much-need critical voice) is one of the people willing to serve. He and pal Sterling King noted that the deadline extension seemed like a convenient way for the City to get someone more in line with their thinking . We shall learn if this was actually the case only if the City manages to muster another application or two before December 28th; I’m not holding my breath.